Love and Chocolate
Oh, Valentine’s Day. Usually, I’m somewhat saddened by the lack of flowers being delivered to my desk. This year, I’ve decided to look on the bright side. Valentine’s Day is not a day to wallow in the pathetic wasteland that is my love life. It’s an opportunity to steal Valentine’s Day chocolates from my coworkers.
“What? There was a giant box of Godiva on your desk earlier? I have no idea where that went. This chocolate on my face is, uh, Hershey’s. . . from the vending machine.”
Do they really need all that fat and sugar when they get to go out to a calorie-laden meal later? No. I’m saving them from heart disease. They should thank me.
I’ve also found Valentine’s Day to be useful in discounting the calories from my stolen goods because, frankly, if I’m not getting any affection later on, I at least deserve a damn piece of chocolate.
And later, after I have consumed a bottle of very special Barefoot Pinot Grigio by myself, I will take the time to call or text all of my friends to tell them how very special they are to me and how much I really love them . . . and to reiterate that I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk.
Lesson learned: Regardless of the greeting card industrial complex that orchestrated this holiday, it’s always good to celebrate love. Especially your love for wine.
A Slightly Serious Halloween
In honor of one of my favorite holidays, I created a handy flow chart to help you decipher if your date among the living dead, or just the brain dead. If you’re a single guy, you could easily use this guide to find out if the girl you just went out with smelled that way because she’s shunning deodorant or is slowly decomposing.
So read ahead and find out: Are you dating a zombie?
(And yes, I made those blood stains myself! I’m practicing my Photoshop skills.)
Happy Halloween!
Shorts: Deal Breakers
To me: “I know the perfect guy for you!’
Me: Really?
“He’s really cute, tall, kinda shy. He’s a scientist!”
I do love nerds.
“He’s a good guy. Oh, wait. . . “
He’s married?
“No, he has herpes.”
I’ll pass, but thanks.
Shorts: Conversations with Grandpa
Me: Hi Grandpa! Thank you for the birthday card.
Grandpa: You’re an old lady now.
Me: (uncomfortable chuckle) Yes. Well, I just wanted to call to say hi.
Grandpa: Mortality catches up with everyone.
Me: That’s true.
Grandpa: Are you dating anyone?
Me: No grandpa, I’m still single.
Grandpa: Well, it’s only going to get harder because you’re old now.
Facial Hair Attractiveness Curve
I thought it was time to do another chart. And of course this is really only my opinion on facial hair. Lot’s of girls are fond of the “soul patch,” (although I’ve heard a lot more colorful names for it.)
Facial Hair Attractiveness Curve
Shorts: Conversations
I’ve noticed that a lot of conversations I’m having these days are starting to have a common theme. . .
Married Female Friend (MFF)
Me: I’m moving to a new office to work with the other writers. I think it’ll be a good career opportunity.
MFF: Will there be hot guys there?
Me: No, they’re married.
MFF: You never know.
Me: I do know.
MFF: Maybe one of them will set you up with a single guy.
Me: Have you been talking to my mother?
Married Female Friend 2 (MFF2)
Me: I have a headache.
MFF2: What happened to that hippie you were seeing?
Me: I don’t know.
MFF2: What about that younger guy you liked?
Me: I don’t know. I think I should really date older men.
MFF2: My financial planner was cute. He looked like a graying John Corbett. Oh, but he was married.
Me: That doesn’t help me.
Married Male Friend (MMF)
MMF: How was that event you went to last week?
Me: Fine.
MMF: So did you meet anyone?
Me: I met some 80-year-olds with heart disease.
MMF: So, no?
Shorts: The Dentist
Like any normal person, I loathe going to the dentist. They usually want to “fix” a slightly crooked front tooth that I happen to like. It gives me character. I’m of the opinion that not everyone needs a mouth full of chicklets.
This was a new dentist referred to me by a coworker. I sat through the rather painful cleaning and X-ray portion when, ding dong, in walks Handsome Man, DDS. He set my chair back and immediately began to talk to me about football and the tragedy that is the Chargers. My heart beat faster as he looked in my mouth and told me I had a pretty smile.
Was it strange that I was oddly excited that he found a cavity? It’s a chance for me to see him again!
He exited the room without a goodbye, but I’m sure I left a lasting impression. I mean, he complimented me, he gave me a toothbrush, we had a nice chat, and he tried to stick something in my mouth. It was practically a first date.
Shorts: The Haircut
After my mother told me I was beginning to look homeless, I decided it was time for a haircut. I’m not terribly picky. I will (and have) let pretty much anyone cut my hair so I made an appointment with a random hairstylist at a salon near my apartment.
As I sat in the chair she asked me, “Are you in school?” She thought I was 22.
Love her.
“Do you have kids?”
Here we go.
“Are you married?”
Negative.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
I’m going to need a drink with this haircut.