Not too long ago, I went on a few dates with a lawyer that I met online. We had a nice meal, we had a few laughs. I liked him quite a bit. Rampant texting and emails were passing. I thought a third date was soon to follow. (I even listened to him tell me about his kidney stones, that’s how much I liked him).
And then he did what a lot of guys do, he disappeared.
I am now convinced that after a second date, a black hole opens up around me. This has led me to develop my theory on second and third dates. I call this theory: The Second Date Supernova.
For those of you who do not know anything about space, physics or quantum mechanics, I’ll break it down for you.
Black Hole = A deformity in the spacetime continuum that serves as a colossal vacuum and sucks in everything around it. Not even light escapes it. There are no happy things in black holes like double rainbows, unicorns or beer. A supermassive black hole is the largest of the black holes. I kinda think the term “supermassive” explains that though.
Supernova= This is the death of a star. As it collapses inward, it creates a vacuum, known as the black hole. In my life, this is the death of my relative attractiveness.
Therefore, the theory of the second date supernova goes like this:
- By the second or third date, man realizes that I am a Star Wars-loving, gluten-intolerant dork who watches way too many movies about zombies and has an obsession with dogs.
- The spark in said man’s eyes begins to die. (the supernova event)
- A black hole then forms around me as the center of the star (my relative attractiveness) collapses.
- As the supernova continues to pull in all the elements around it (other dates) through gravity, it grows larger, creating a supermassive black hole.
And this, my friends, is how I have remained perpetually single. I am at the center of a supermassive dating black hole.
Lesson learned: There’s only one way out of the black hole of dating. Perseverance, makeup and going on more dates. In other words: Chin up and avoid the suck. (As in the vacuum of a black hole you perverts.)
Last October, I briefly dated a guy that I met through a mutual friend. Alas, our romance was short lived and he broke up with me in a rather sappy email. Luckily, I didn’t really care. We didn’t have much in common and the he continually patted my hair like I was a golden retriever. Not gently brushing through my hair, full on scratching behind my ears. Because he happened to be 6’7”, a veritable giant who was unaware of his own strength , this usually gave me mild neck pain.
So I took our break up well, with the only quality about him that I really missed being that he could bench press me.
In June, I received an email from him after no contact for months. Intrigued by this turn around, I answered him. For a few days we shared a few email and texts, with no real expectation of ever seeing each other again. My thought: he had broken up with someone else and was looking for validation.
One night, while I was out with a friend and mildly tipsy, he started asking me to send him pictures of myself drunk and/or in various states of undress. I didn’t need a Scarlett Johansson scandal to tell me that that would have been a colossally bad idea.
After that, I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again and began a campaign of ignoring him. The problem: he text messages or emails me every two weeks. Like clockwork. They never really say anything. The subject of most of these emails and texts are some form of “hey you” and “how’s it goin.”
While I have to admit, I’m mildly flattered by the attention (I get ignored by most guys I date), I’m not sure if I should be concerned. Is this going to eventually turn into a Fatal Attraction moment? I don’t have a pet rabbit, but I’d prefer to not find anyone’s pet boiling on my stove.
Lesson learned: I don’t think I’ve learned my lesson yet.